I dislike the things I think, because half of the time I am in deep conflict with my imagination and hopes. I keep believing; keep hope that something will change. Holding expectations like dreams that will never be reached. Everything I have ever expected to happen never happened, whereas everything else that isn’t expected came by chance. I wish I wouldn’t be able to feel the way I do, severely searching for the glue to hold together all that I am. I am blinded by my own stupidity; I know that all I want is a ludicrous decision. I am caught in clinging to every memory of happiness, of us regardless of where we stand now or who we have become. You make it seem so easy, as if I wasn’t worth that much; you’d forget me so quickly. Maybe I am not as there as you seem to be, too many things and I do not seek pity rather want to understand. I am the only one who picks me up when I fall, when I cry and when I have had enough.. So why can’t I just let this heart close, let every light of you fade into dust.
I have been completely afraid of taking these steps, learning that it’s okay to feel that I am not okay… But who is going to listen to me anymore? Who can I call my own and forever, in friendship and love? No one, no one but the empty shells scattered by the shores of this island. My problem? I care too much to let anything leave me, selfless and only seek to gain the attention of others… I search for an imaginary approval from those around me, but in reality I can’t seem to take grasp of that. I am far from perfect, 5O percent of me is made from insecurities and the other half is self-doubt. And that is what makes me truly, deeply sad.
For now I am just going to remain deluded in my hopes, forever searching.